(Camera pans the bedroom of Misogynist Publisher of the Minocqua's Lakeland Times, Gregg Walker. We see his wife smoking and visibly upset)
“Gregg, why did you cancel our annual vacation to Dollywood?”
“Kim, I know how much you love getting tipsy off of cotton candy and showing off your purty voice by singing “I’m proud to be an American” on the tilt-a-whirl, but we can’t take a vacation this year. We’re broke."
“BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? I married you so I could be COOOMFORTABLE and have all the cotton candy I wanted in life.”
“Honey, I hate to break it to you, but since 2007, after I took over the Lakeland Times from my Dad, our circulation has gone from 10K to 5K. We’ve almost lost 50% of our customers. My inheritance is gone and the paper is bleeding money."
“Welllll, I’ve been telling you for years to stop bullying people in town with mean articles and to stop spreading all that gibberish you read from Trump’s fundraising emails. Just focus on high school sports. That’s what the people want."
“You’re probably right, Pumpkin, but it’s too late. I can’t turn this ship around. I’ve made my bed and now I have to lie in it.”
“But what about that lawsuit you filed a year ago against the Minocqua Brewing Company? If we win that suit, can’t we go to Dollywood?”
“Sugar Plum, we were never going to win that suit. I filed it to bully the Minocqua Brewing Company so they would stop calling me a crook and a misogynist—AND because you called me a wimp for not standing up for myself—remember?”
“Gregg, you’ve always been a wimp, a crook, AND a misogynist—but that didn’t matter to me because you had a HUGE inheritance and were a big shot in Minocqua. I thought we were gonna be rich forever. YOU LIED TO ME!”
“Don’t you worry Rosewater. I have a plan. I just talked to my lawyer and he said if I sued the Minocqua Brewing Company again, but claimed that their posts caused me pain and suffering, I could win TONS OF MONEY.”
“But what did they do to you this time?”
“They talked about how I manipulated my family to inherit the paper and get more of an inheritance so we could go to Dollywood every year.”
“But you DID do that, didn’t you?’
“Yeah, but nobody’s supposed to know about that. This is our last shot, Honey Bunches of Oats. If we don’t pull some money out of the Minocqua Brewing Company, we’ll go bankrupt. I drink bourbon at the gun club with a lot of the judges up here, and they might take pity on me. Lord knows they don’t like the Minocqua Brewing Company either.”
“Ok Gregg, but if we don’t go to Dollywood this year, I’m leaving you…..FOREVER!!!”
End Scene.
And that, dear friends, is a conversation that we can only imagine happened in the bedroom of the Walker household a few weeks before he filed a SECOND defamation lawsuit against us—this time asking for $200K in damages related to the pain and suffering he experienced while having to endure the embarrassment we probably caused him at the Minocqua Country Club.
Note to Walker’s lawyers reading this post. The above story is a parody based on alleged stories we’ve heard about Walker from our neighbors in Minocqua that have endured his bullying for decades. We have no knowledge of what actually happens in Walker’s bedroom.
Remember folks, the publisher of a newspaper is protected by the first amendment to free speech, and Gregg Walker is suing to suppress our speech and is abusing the same laws that allow him to exist and publish conspiracy theories and misinformation, some of which have been shown to come from Russia. It’s ludicrous that a newspaper would ever sue anyone for defamation and expect to win. At first we thought it was a ploy to bleed us of money by having to hire expensive lawyers to defend ourselves, but now we believe he hopes to actually keep his business afloat with this Hail Mary 2nd lawsuit.Also note, Walker’s paper had already lost 40% of its circulation by 2016, long before we started exposing his paper for being a cancer to our little town. He ruined his own business with no help from us.
