Hear Ye, Hear Ye!
Lords, Ladies, Lads, and Lasses…
…Gather ‘round, for there is solemnity to share.
Today we mourn the impending death of the Grand Old Party.
The last of their kind, young Cheney from Wyoming and young Kinzinger from Illinois, have fallen from the same disease that fell the other sturdy oaks of their clan.
While often cross and unable to understand song lyrics, they could always be counted on to unify against common enemies.
While often too busy golfing to ready poetry and literature, we could always rely on their fiscal prudence to balance our bleeding hearts.
While awkward in the ways of soulful dance and loving caress, their backs were strong enough to carry and protect our democracy.
We honor them today, as we have with our own progressive heroes, by giving them a gift of beer—and it is called…
“Extinct Elephant: A MODERATE Red Ale.”
This beer is as hearty as our institutions.
This balanced brew creates a compromise that everyone can enjoy.
When put up for a vote, this beer tallies to the same result each time.
Yes, Extinct Elephant harkens back to the flavor of good governance, and calls for the last in their line, currently hidden from view, to stand up and be counted.
This is your beer, this is your time. Awaken, Drink and be Fortified.
Extinct Elephant will be available in a fortnight. Call your nearest liquor store today and demand they carry this moral nourishment to revive the near-extinct moderate Republican.